Backslidin'

Spencer has lately been asking me why we don't go to church. Will we ever go to church? Why can't I just drop him off at church? I remember asking the same questions of my mother at around his age, and I suppose it proves that we are a product of our environment-unless we change the cycle. I always thought that I would grow up to be a church goer. I had a pretty good run going when Spencer was little. Then came the divorce.....

I will admit that I not only stopped attending church, I stopped a lot of things when I found myself a single parent living with my parents, then my grandparents. I slowly started to live again, but never had the fire to get back into church like I was before. It really conflicted too much with my "me time". I have thought a lot about that lately and am completely ashamed of myself and some of the paths that I have been down. I wouldn't change it, because those experiences make me who I am. The wife, mother, step-mother, aunt that I am. But I am still ashamed.

Last night I had the pleasure of attending a church service that really spoke to my heart and made me think a lot about all the time that had passed since I was last active in a church, or active in the Word for that matter. I don't want my children to grow up not knowing the Word of God and not having the precious experience of knowing that Jesus loves me this I know.

How intimidating to walk into a building, where everyone knows everyone, except you. Where you feel completely out of place, then the message comes and you know this is right where God wants you to be at this exact moment. I hope that this fire continues to burn, that my sons can grow up in a Christian home, that I will have the courage to walk through those doors again and pick up where my journey left off.

I am ready for change in my heart and in my life. I am ready for a new closeness with God that I can share with my children. I am ready!

Jordan's Happy Day

Six years and two months ago I started dating the wonderful man that was to become my husband. And in dating him, I got the wonderful gift of Jordan. I remember seeing her on her 13th birthday and that I got her a shirt with fairy things on it because I thought she was into all that mystical stuff. I remember when I found out he had a daughter the same age as the twins how excited I was because I knew how girls were at that age, and I felt very confident that I would bond well with Jordan. Boy was I wrong on one end, Jordan was nothing like the twins I had been a stepmother to for the past nine years!! But I was right on one front we did bond well. Jordan, at the time was a sweet, naive, little girl that could beat most grown men at any video game thrown her way. She was, and still is, very artistically talented and has her Daddy wrapped around her little finger. She has grown into a beautiful, smart, sassy woman-who now serves our country in United States Navy. I couldn't be more proud of my daughter.

Today she is nineteen. She has accomplished so many things and has so many things left to see and do in this great adventure we call life. Six years and two months ago I met my daughter for the first time and it has been a wonderful ride ever since. Happy Birthday to my sweet Jordania!!!

Please leave old friend

I have recently been vistited by an old "friend" of mine. He has set up residence here, although I have repeatedly asked him to LEAVE. He is the voice that defies reason, he is the little devil on my shoulder making me doubt everything I do and question all logical assumption. Sometimes he is so quiet I think he is gone, and sometimes he is so loud I cannot think of anything but shutting him up. Today he is loud and I decided, I am going to get on that treadmill and run him out of here, but of course while finally getting up to a jogging pace, he whispered in my ear, loud enough to hear over the whirring of the treadmill, loud enough to hear over the music from the television, "You know if you trip and fall off of this thing, there is no one here to help you-no one to take care of the baby, who will wake up hungry-with no one to feed him". I told him to shut up and kept on running. Of course I still heard his words, but I am trying my hardest to not give them substance. I am bound and determined to no longer LISTEN to him. I will eventually get him out of my life, out of my thoughts. For now I will just have to co-exist with him and hope he gets bored enough to leave.

It only lasts five minutes....

As I was riding in the car with my sister in law, Lori, and we were discussing the ups of downs of an infant again, she shared with me something that her Aunt told her, "it only lasts 5 minutes". That really sat with me and I have thought about it all morning. How so very true that is. I think back to when my Spencer was a newborn and would keep me up all night and all day, how scared and tired and crazy and depressed I was, but it only lasted five minutes, or so it seems. Before I knew it, we were celebrating his first birthday out by the pool at the apartment we lived in at the time, and even then I wished for him to be bigger, to be able to play more independently, to be able to fully feed himself a meal, to be able to TELL me what was wrong, and before I knew it that 5 minutes passed and he was turning two, and was able to do all of those things and yet I always looked ahead, never enjoying those precious minutes as they passed right by me. Along came the third, fourth, fifth birthday, and not once did I stop to think how fast it was all passing me by.

My Spencer is going to turn 10 in a few months. He is a good boy, smart, sensitive and caring, but can be sassy with that mouth of his. I will, from here on out, remind myself that this 5 minutes will pass and he will be graduating from high school......getting married.....having his own children, God willing. And when he calls to tell me how his baby is keeping he and his wife up all night, how his little child is going through the terrible two's, how his sweet angel stayed out past curfew, I will most likely laugh and say something along the lines of "Glad I am done with that phase in my life". But I know in my heart I will be thinking and longing to get those minutes back. Those precious minutes that fly by before you even realize it.

Oh and I guess it would make sense to announce the arrival of Alistair Mackie Clayton, born December 26, 2011, just in time for a tax write off!! That boy was thinking ahead in the womb! Jordan left for Navy bootcamp two weeks before his arrival. One left and one came....Spencer is still here!

BUSTED!

So yesterday, I spent the day shopping with my sisters in law and my aunt and was totally called out on how infrequest my blogging has been! Now that I am somewhat of a stay at home mommy, I am going to make more of an effort to keep up with this thing!

I love it when people in your life call you out on things out of love and make you feel like a failure, which in turn inspires you NOT to be a failure and then....well you know what happens. You become a WINNER!! Look at Charlie Sheen, he was acting a fool, got called out on it and voila-he spends every media minute talking about what a winner he is!!

Spencer came home today after a spring break week with his Dad, and Lord knows I missed him! It was also so special to see the look of recognition on Alistair's face when he saw him. Can a three month old remember someone he hasn't seen in a week? Who knows, but I swear when he saw his big brother his little face lit up as if to say, "there you are! I have been looking for you" Spence is such a good big brother! He loves his little A so much and really can't wait to play with him as he gets bigger.

So as much as I wish I had some thought provoking and inspiring words to type to the world, I am at a loss. I guess as I keep up with this blog I will come up with some truly witty things to say. Until then......